the tears don't even get out now ..

i repeated " cheer up " to myself more than 10 times a day,
convinced myself that im really happy when i smile or laugh,
told myself that im ok, im alright , im not that worse off,
tried so hard to be concerned about others,
put in my best effort to open up more,
even trying to cheer others up when im sad myself .

ironic . how can someone sad cheer others up ? isn't it stupid trying to convince yourself that you are happy . trying so hard to look at the bright side . trying to stop your tears from falling . how can someone suck at so much areas ? everyone preached that no matter what happens you are at least good at an aspect . what a lie ..

its all going the wrong way . i ask myself what had i achieved in this year . why is it going down and down . when will all these be over . i thought that it had ended yet it never was . it was an abyss of darkness i had plunged into and there's no way out ..

im sorry that i wasn't there for you when you need me ,
im sorry that i wasn't good enough ,
im sorry to my parents for letting them down with these kind of pathetic results,
i guess i never had made them proud ,
im sorry for letting myself down,
sorry that i couldn't do anything to help myself up ..