fustrations ..

Feel really weird right now . Fluctuating moods . Everything is mixed up . I need to untangle some stuff . I realise how vulnerable we are . things that we just can't control . so tired of all these . sometimes i don't even understand myself and of what right do i have to understand others ? its so fustrating . so time consuming . so much effort wasted and yet , the urge to try on still survives .

why can't we just get through easily . or perhaps there would be no meaning to life anymore .

sometimes i wonder what do i mean to others or maybe i might even have thought too much about this . why even care ? my image or impression to others . is it even that important ? i'm not much of someone . i don't possess anything that would attract anyone . 

it feels absurd . everything . like a dream . today i was talking to jolene . asking her about stuff . discussing about all these . about how much i wonder . there's nothing in me . nothing at all . till now, 17 years of age i still can't find anything good about me .

no i don't have brains of a genius nor am i smart in anyway . im not good in sports . i don't excel in anything . i don't look good . she says its the inner that matters . the point is, i ain't even nice . i don't see it . what's the factor there ? what is IT . i don't get it at all . 

i wonder so much . it feels like i do everything with a motive . she says that its natural . how can we do things without a purpose . it seemed so logical but i wasn't convinced at all . it feels wrong to do things with a motive . what happened to all those people who are so pure ? who do things because its .. how do i explain this .

ahh . forget it . i should just go off now .

peace out .

i don't understand .. at all