such a failure ..

i decide to make you happy by being happy myself first .

how ironic . i couldn't make myself happy . in the end i couldn't make you smile too . i guess i shouldn't have aimed so high . it should have been " i decide to make you happy " from the start .

now everything i see makes me cry . this is so freaking dumb . idiotic . walked home crying . cried while i was bathing . cried when i was walking around at home ..

i hate myself . seriously . i couldn't do anything after all . trying so hard to smile yet at the most important time i didn't do what i wanted .

i guess that was the first time i hoped that we won't be left alone .
afraid that im not able to make you smile .
afraid that i couldn't do anything .
afraid that i will do things that make you sad .
afraid that i would do things that make you angry .
afraid that i couldn't understand you .
afraid that i can't pick you up when you're down .
afraid that i can't start a topic .
afraid that i can't continue the conversation .
afraid that i can't keep the smile on my face ,
afraid that i would cry ..

if you were there, i couldn't feel it . i was always by your side . but the difference is , i was only there physically . i couldn't do anything to help . i don't know what i should do . i don't know how to make you smile . i don't know how to end all of this .

i wanted to hold your hand . wanted to make you happy . wanted to make you smile . wanted so much ..
but i couldn't do anything .

im sorry .
i love you .