Tuesday, September 09, 2008

forgivness . badly .

just wana start off saying that this might be a random post . or should i say a random part of the post because it would seem like a foreign thing to most of you . mostly those that have only known me this year . well ..

perhaps i shouldn't have from the start but i just really wan to know . and now i really don't regret .. i can't turn back time . i can't do anything to change . and its easy to say let bygones be bygones . easy to say that time will heal all wounds . i can't help but feel guilty and feel sorry for myself . its not that easy for me too . but its kind of stupid when i think back now . its wasn't supposed to be like this . all those .. i guess i was the one who changed it all . i hate all of these and i hate that part of me . all these that have already passed .

i can't help but tear and asked myself what i've done . asked why the hell that happened . why did it turn out like that . if not it would not be like this now isn't it . sometimes i just wonder if all of these are just pretend and just a fake front . some of the things that i did might be wrong but i'm not sure if its truth that you've been looking or hearing all along .

i knew that some part of it wasn't true . i had my share of tears . i was so disappointed by the lack of trust . by how weak it was . now its all in the past i still can't pretend nothing happened . i can't pretend that we did not have this gap between us . often, i asked myself if you're still misunderstanding . not knowing the truth . and still having that impression of me .

i can't change anything now i guess . all these that were never meant to be ..

wounds . they heal .. but the scars . they stay forever ..


Seriously . I don't feel like blogging right now . Want to think through and clear all my thoughts . Let it all be gone . Forgive myself ? Impossible . Forget it ..

Computing test was crappy today . Didn't remember much of the stuff I studied mostly because it was last minute . Could only blame myself .

Disappointed with the fact how weak I'm in economics . Ms kwok gave back our papers today . She didn't mark it but she went through it and wanted us to realise all the silly mistakes that we make . I just can't believe that I can't even get the fundamentals right .

Damn . I have a feeling that I would retain . But I really don't want to . I don't want to waste a year . I don't want my parents to be disappointed . I don't want to let them down . I don't want to waste all those efforts everyone made in helping me in my school work . I just can't let them go to waste . Retaining might sound fine but I have a feeling if I retain I would seriously look down on myself and even give up . It wouldn't be easy for me to accept it . Someone who had kind of somehow scraped through all exams and somehow with lady luck helping me getting well for all major ones .

I know this time . Its all on me . If I don't work hard now its going to be gone . And by that time I can only blame myself for not working hard at all . 4 weeks might seem little and a little too late . But I don't want to give up before I even try . I want to at least try for it and hope that I make it . And if I really make it, I would work hard during the holidays to make sure my fundamentals are strong . Its not going to be easy .

But .. Retain or not . Its my choice . And perhaps I might even get expelled . Its all about me now isn't it . I have to work hard ..

everything that i wanted to but i didn't
i regretted over and over again
yet i didn't change at all

sometimes i wonder if the fault lies in me
if there's something wrong with me
and if i even deserve you

and most of the times the answer is

the latter

99% of my time . i spent it thinking how to make you smile
and 1% on how to not make you angry
iloveYOU (:


I hate myself for a reason . I don't blame anyone . There's just part of me I can't forgive and I feel that I never will . I just hope that I can do something to make up for it . But totally forgiving myself .. Impossible .

All these mistakes that I've made on the way . I wouldn't want it to accumulate .

No comments: